miss

its been 2 weeks.
things have went back to normal
and i got back to my daily routine

every now and then i miss him
i will think of the few scenes of him around me
during my rebellious time, i rmbered that i was using my not-so-pro hokkien communicating with ah ma, and he was laughing his way off
when he was still strong and fit to walk around without any aid
then again
i thought of what happened on the last two days
whatever that we were doing for him
the last bits
i cant help but ...

reminiscing...
is it good or not?
probably not in this case during the crunch time
oh well...

i guess that s the cycle of life and that we just have to experience all these one day
and one day, i will be the one lying there

that day i went home early
i saw my dad
and i felt this gush of emotions
that i cldnt really put it into words
and sth that i could handle
i was feeling guilty and bad and whatever other superlatives that can describe this
i didnt know how to go about it
im worried for him

sometimes all these small lil episodes that happen just make me think so much
i didnt do it on purpose
but it just occur to me like this

its not sad, neither is it unhappy
but prolly just miss
just something thats missing
that i dont know what can fill it up
its empty
its voided
its......

and i know i need to do something about it...

alright, or not?

'it will be alright in the end,
if its not alright, its not the end'

something that pulled me through during those days when i cant hold myself together

and so it says, it will be alright in the end.
it ended, so does it mean its alright?
i dont know...
i dont think it will be alright for now....

midnight nonsense, thanks to nego skills

omgosh omgosh omgosh!!

i cant finish reading my negotiation skills for biz text and yet i am still blogging over here!!
i seriously cant wait to finish this irritating 0.5mod
on the whole, this is a semi-intellectual intriguing mod BUT definitely not a good mod for examinations. worse off than psyc, so imagine the intensity. prolly coz there are sooooo much being covered in the text, yet so lil for the slides. its like damn tough to zero in to the main concepts and exam questions. and prolly is so dry that you wont want to read it.

i cant wait to finish it tmr. ewwwww. i hate this. and yesh, i know i gotta really pull up my socks with two midterms coming on my way, one paper due, one quiz, one assignment. this is disgusting. :/ so when will i get my turn to go on exchange? just like these exchange kids over at Europe and the States, enjoying?!?!??! when will my turn comes? i seriously cant wait to leave! and know where i get to go!!! and there is this fear within me that i may not get where i applied. haiz. COMPETITION!!!

talking about my exchange, i took really alot of effort in deciding my pathetic 5 choices. did tonnes of research, consulted tonnes of people, and finally submitted. PAINSTAKING. so i happily submitted and waited for the academic references to be in before the application could be processed. guess what!!!! i received an email from my prof that she needs a letter of recommendation for writing me an academic reference. OMG. though i agree that without some prior knowledge about me, its tough to have a relatively good reference to be submitted BUT do you really need a letter of recommendation that includes CV, personal statement, OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT, and GPA?????????? this is..like a lil overboard huh. owell, what to do. regrets!!!

this is crazyyy. i need to really kick my butt and get back to books!!!! come on!! who can give me some motivation??? its really tough to continue with what i am reading. this is so toughhhh. this dot.com thingy, facebook, online shopping are really tempting me too much. how i wish books have such great temptation? haha! ridiculous. and the more i type the more i feel that its MICHELLE CHEN who's writing this post. haha! all her influences during the not-too-long stay in beijing with her. arghh.. so irritating. she is having a GREAT TIME in GERMANY with reuben ong! JEALOUS! i want to go EXCHANGE!!~ please grant me either of my choices OIR!!! pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

kays. back TO BOOKS. the boring thing.
cant wait to graduate!!

saddening life

ever since my jc days, nothing seems to be exactly smooth sailing
thats life, aint so?

o'well i miss those amazing days
when A's was everything
when upon receiving a 'good luck' (from him) makes me smile all day long
when i hang out with the vballers doing all sorts of nonsense
when MAD movements suck up all my time
i simply love the old days

not that i dont like mine
just that things arent as simple as before
things change people change and
i changed...

went to visit my cousin's baby yesterday coz i cldnt rot at home
he is sooo cute
lying in his lil bed there he is sound asleep
then i exclaimed
he should be feeling really loved and lucky now
nothing is bothering him at all
eat and sleep are what he does and that s it
my auntie shared the sentiments

he is so adorable

and now
i get to see two extreme phases of life
newborn and awaiting for death

again
the commotion began
it did not stop ever since my jc days
in fact it exacerbated
seems like every time when the fire got started
the threshold is being challenged

close to 3 years i should be really used to it
but i am not
i think i seem to finish up all my good luck for the past 18 years
and from the 19th year onwards
i am only left with the lil luck to expend for the rest of my life

not surprising
emotions were stirred within me again
there i go
without fail, i go to him
im not too sure is it because he failed to do what he promised then being so nice
but his words touched me

'you are my girlfriend eh, how would i want to make you angry'
(deep inside me, awww, but still keeping cool)
"i want a hug, but i dont want a cyber hug"
'haha... then how? tomorrow compensate can?'
"cannot"
'then how?'
"bumping 100, sit ups 100, star jumps 100 in return can?"
'later i heart attack then how? you bear to meh?' (he s basically trying to tell me cannot)
"you everytime say you will compensate the next day but you always never. its always me who jump on you for a hug"
'tomorrow you better run faster or not i confirm jump on you'

thats him
one in a million years then you get to hear this
and that makes me treasure all these moments more than ever
which is irritating
no romance no sweet lil things no fairy tales
he is a wood block
anciet and authentic woodblock
well done
see!!! what i have done for myself
omgosh

and yes.
waiting for the day...

dev psyc's chapter 21: death and grieving

he is leaving.
my dream came true
and i fear
i fear that it is really coming

developmental psyc just taught us how should you handle when a person is facing impending death and how should family members react accordingly
but none of the theories and recommendations learned could be applied
or rather i cant apply it at all
i failed to apply

i held his hand
whispered into his ears
then he said with a very weak voice
telling me to be good
while he said....
he heaved again and again
and he teared...
he teared.................................................................................................................
i can no longer put on the brave front

walking down the cold aisle
seeing the nurses fixing the machines on him
then removing it and the process repeats

he frails so much that its beyond my recognition
he is so weak
i heard him talking to my dad
telling my dad several of his worries
from his words i know he worrys
worries for many people

finally my sisters came together with my bro and dad
the family reunites around his bed
he scanned through with his half-opened eyes
he heaved and teared again
i know he feels it

he knows it very feel
its time or time is almost up
maybe a while longer

my sister asked me did i regret not getting him down
i guess....
deep down in me...
i am....

it hurts.
it simply hurts...

history and memories

dug out the history conversation of ours
dated back to april 2007, 1.5 years
i spent close to 2 hours to finish browsing, scanning through the crux (in other words, sweet) of our conversation
2 hours to complete 1.5 years of memories
but it really brought me back to those days
not only did i read our history but also my dairy
all the way back in 2006 to 2007
everything seems so far away and so distant
reading the words i wrote brought those emotions back to me
i still feel it even though it has been awhile
i guess the impact is so great that i will never forget the harsh ending to the part of my life
though i moved on but its strange that i still feel it
maybe its just normal
o'well
other than these painful memories
i was also taken aback by how things happened between us
i guess we've come a long way
no wonder dude had no confidence to begin with
now that i think back i would share the sentiments as well
haha

he really made tremendous effort.
and i am really grateful about it

thank you
thank you for everything
:)

exams, i hate it

i HATE EXAMS!!!
i seriously hate it to the core!!!
and i still need to go through it 3 more disgusting times!!!
i am struggling. like literally.
though i finished reading one psyc book and one more chapter to conclude another
the thought of me not even prepared for IE is killing me and my patience!
i dont have the motivation to study.
why must smu forces us to study subjects that are totally irrelevant?
whats up with all the cores and foundations?

disgusting IE!!!
not interested at all!!!!
psyc is already damn heavy! and im have a double shot this sem.
well done!

arghhhh!!!
i dont want to study anymore, it sucks.

and shit.
mood swings again.
i called him though i know i should stop pestering him again
but he seems to be the only one there though he aint very willing to listen
haha
i know he is tired

i cant stop but think about what he wrote
i cant stop but think about what he did
i cant stop but think about what he said

and yesh... like what dude quotes savage garden
truly.madly.deeply

he always has that convincing power to illustrate he stance with no loopholes
or at least leaving my dumbfounded
though i have to unwillingly be convinced and buy his story
yet i cant deny and falsify his words
and i guess that s why i dont have a reason to...

its been awhile as i think back how did it happen
things have changed...
time has changed us too...
very different. really

back to the reality,
one more chap
perseverance!!!!!!!!!! (tough!! darn tough)

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh